Aimless Ramble

What do you do when you do not know what you want? I dont think I am alone in this...how do you find the passion that has been stiffled? When I was younger I always had some idea of what I wanted. Now it has become such a mystery and the frustration it brings is incredible. I am drifting. I do not know what to do or which way to go. The right decisions are eluding me. Everything seems so cryptic, like everyone is in on some piece of the puzzle I have surely missed. I am so detached that I cannot feel things correctly. Everything is so analyzed and compartmentalized and becomes empty in the process. I'm so tired of being hurt that I dont leave myself open or vulnerable. I weigh things back and forth until I am sick. I can see the good and the bad and I flip and flop without making any true progress. I am like a wave trapped and cursed to break on the shore in the same place for eternity. Oppertunities fade and offers made with the best of intentions can cool and disipate as time marches on the puzzle pieces settle. I know that this is important. I know that I am on the edge. i am holding up the line with my inability to jsut figure it out. Right or Left? Up or Down? East or West? I dont want to bury my head in the sand again, butis so tempting to just let it all go. To just break my heart once and for all. To give up. I dont know if I am strong enough for all of that. I can be strong for others, I have done that all of my life. I dont bother them with all of my saddness and fears. I keep it all. But to be strong for me, to do this for me. I am not sure if I can. I am afraid I will cut myself off all together and live alone. Unable to live up to others expectations. I will close the doors and my eyes and let it all go. I dont know how people do it. All the ones I see taking risks and getting up and brishing themselves off. I used to do that. Now i am jsut so lost. I am not on the fight path. I dont know how to find the right path. I am so alone alreadey and so unable to ask for help. It makes it so alluring to just go back to what is familar, even if that is bad. Maybe this is just me paying for the bad choices I made along the way. The things i let happen without putting up a good fight. I didnt hold on to my dreamsor to te thing that make me into me, and in the struglle i lost my essence. I lose myself quite so often now. I think, but seldom comment. It is like bein a specxtator on my own life. I have tried to getin there and really be a part of it, but it is so unnatural at this point that it is exhausting. I am just frustrated. I ont give up. I am nothing if not stubborn. I will keep seeking the missing pieces. Maybe they are here...maybe i am havin trouble focusing on what I am looking for. Maybe I am jsut being greedy. Maybe I should jus continue on where i am and fin the joy inbetween te sorrow. For there is aways joy where ther is sorrow and always sorrow where there is joy. That is just how it works. Maybe it is all Wizard of Oz. Maybe I had to go far and meet new friends to appreciate what I have in my own backyard. That doesn't feel right either.There is something abou tbeing here that just doesn't feel right...kind of like I'm not quite whatwas wanted. Close, but not quite. There is just a feeling, an intuition, that my parting may be in some way a relief. That is so hard, but I have to face it. Maybe there are no happy endings, maybe it isn't passion that I need. Maybe it is hope and trust and faith. I do not think I can get that at the supermarket, so, I may be screwedif that is the problem. What if I never figure it out? What if I wase this life entirely? Running in circles, holding a cup of discontent close to my heart. Funny thing is that I am usually so happy. It is the first and most lasting impression I leave...such a happy girl,,,almost sill she is so happy. But
I have all this confusion inside. All of this longing. I feel so caged and trapped, yet once free I have trouble just running away. Maybe eyes should remain closed. No, I dont believe that. There is a beautiful world out there....I want to be a part of it. I just have to figure out how!